Psh, amateurs.

04Nov09

As any regular consumer of porn will know, amateur videos are now where it’s at. Gone are the days of tanned, enhanced, be-taloned, coiffed and overly made-up starlets giving it their best When Harry Met Sally while some equally tanned and curiously silent piece of man meat somehow manages to induce ecstacy with the mere touch of his, er, magic wand.

Today it’s all about the regular couples and their personal videos, which some are kind enough to share online. A risky practice, no doubt, and the trend does raise some ethical questions. Did that horrendously drunk “party girl” consent to being filmed? Does she even remember having sex? How many of these videos are of ex-partners, uploaded out of spite and without their knowledge? How many of the younger teens have genuinely thought about the repercussions of having a sex tape out there in the online sphere – because once it’s out there, you can never retract it. Not to mention the fact that the internet is forever – will your as yet unborn kids come across (heh, pun) a picture of their teenaged parents doing the bold thing on some vintage porno site in 10, 20, 30 years’ time?

Aren’t they scared? Worried? Wary, at least? Hopefully they are all of these things, and have considered their options carefully before taking that plunge into porno. But considering that happy porn fun time isn’t exactly the most contemplative of states, the thing you’re most likely to wonder is… OMG, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? Nothing provokes a questioning attitude into what motivates people to post sex videos than finding some truly awful amateur porn. I’ve devised categories for your (well, mostly my own) amusement:

1. Emo sex: We’re so unbelievably alternative that we’re making a sex tape. Yeah, that’s right. Take that, conformists. We’re too busy being emo to enjoy it though, and also I don’t want to smudge my guyliner so no sweating. In fact, let’s have very delicate, posery and silent sex for seven minutes, then abruptly stop to cry a little.

2. Stocking fetishists: You have a stocking fetish. Congratulations! They are indeed nice. I applaud you for embracing this and getting your fetishy rocks off. While many share your kink, it’s tactile. About the feeling. So… not a visual thing, really. So I don’t want to watch 40 minutes of you wearing; and doing unspeakable things with, stockings. Thank you please.

3. Sexy Striptease: Criiiiiinge. Make it stop, please. Have sex already, I beg of you.

4. Talkers: Dirty talk is hot. Complaining, stupid questions, and persuasion is not. Note to budding pornographers: It kind of ruins the fantasy when you have to watch the dude cajole the girl into a totally banal sexual act. Enthusiastic sluts only, please!
When some or all the above combine, you get a porno of such epic awfulness, that it almost gets good again. You’ll sit with mouth agape as unattractive folk contort, giggle, dance awkawardly, row, fall off the bed, and then have really dull sex – all while their dog watches from the bottom right hand corner of the frame.

Like a car crash, you can’t drag your eyes away from it – but it’s not really something you’d want to wank to, either. For the sake of wankers everywhere, if you’re making porn, for god’s sake make it good.

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3 Responses to “Psh, amateurs.”

  1. 1 Ronan

    My girlfriend is a porn star. She’s going to be pissed when she finds out… 😀

  2. 2 MiniDazzler

    Oh, I agree with all this Shelly, I am a connoisseur of fine porn, I agree with all this! 🙂

  3. 3 Jake Holden

    I miss my sex tape. Never made it online, thankfully, but it was so good to watch before my female co-star insisted it be deleted!


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