Teardrop

18Mar10

I got a lovely gift today.

I cry easily when I get emotional, angry, grumpy, tired, hormonal or upset. It makes me feel manipulative sometimes; but most of all vulnerable. Weak and silly and absurd.

I have tried so hard in my relationships to not cry. With my friends, my parents and my lovers — I can’t help but feel it unfair on them to have to deal with a sobbing creature instead of having a rational discussion. In happy situations, I steal thunder and draw attention to myself for crying over somebody else’s good news. So I spend a lot of time holding back tears.

This past week has been a stressful one for me. Add a dash of PMS, a pinch of hangover and a drop of soppiness, and my poor boyfriend had a very emotional lady on his hands yesterday.

Curled up in bed after a seafront walk, we were whispering and cooing those little sweet nothings that seem so eventful, so brave after just a few months together. I felt tears start to prick my eyes… He saw them too.

As I tried to swallow them; to conceal my soppiness — to try to not show this amazing boy how much he really means to me, for fear he’d run off — that’s when he gave me the loveliest gift. He told me to cry; to always cry. Never ask permission, apologise, or hold back.

A silly, inconsequential thing for most, probably. But for me, being able to sniffle and sob without being fussed over, or pressed for a reason, or told to grow up, or asked to stop… that’s something I didn’t even know I needed. Until I got it.

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