Open Wide

09Sep10

Someone on an online sex & sexuality community asked me the other day if my boyfriend minded me talking so openly about sex to other people, especially men. I had to tell him it had never crossed my mind to even ask if it did – some sub I am, eh?

But truly it hadn’t. The blog predated the boy, and he saw it quite soon after we started dating. I, of course, asked him if he was ok with being written about, but that’s the last we ever spoke of it. I’d lumped chatting on forums in with that, but maybe I was crossing some sort of line I didn’t even know existed? Would it bother him that I was talking (in more detail than gets revealed here) about our sex life to other like-minded people online?

As it turns out, no. His exact words were “nah, they might as well be dogs as far as I’m concerned. They’re on the internet, like.” Profound stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree. But it led me to ponder the whole idea of privacy in a relationship.

To some of my friends’ disgust, I tend to answer questions about our relationship rather frankly – which sucks all the fun out of them trying to take the piss, but satisfies me immensely. Of course, I wouldn’t want my family knowing the ins and outs (ahem) of my sex life – with the exception of a few close cousins I know have read my writings here – but that’s normal for anyone, I imagine.

Some people are vehemently against sharing what goes on in the bedroom, seeing it as a betrayal or a breach of trust. That’s not the case for us, clearly – with both of us blogging, we’re fairly open, and we’ve pre-negotiated that. While I understand that some people want to keep things behind closed doors for their own reasons, I can’t quite fathom what those reasons are. “We want to” is reason enough, I suppose… but I can’t see the harm in being open about sex.

Among my friends, and even among my family, I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t approve of my relationship or the way I conduct it. But is that because I’m so confidently open about it that they wouldn’t dare say so? Or are people in general a lot more open-minded than we give them credit for?

For my part, being open about my sex life – in general, and in specific when I had a problem I needed to think out – has brought nothing but good things to my life. Had I not shown a rather bemused Boy my toy stash early into our relationship, he (or I) might never have had the courage to confess our delightfully matching kinks. If I hadn’t talked about problems in past relationships with close friends, I might never have gotten the perspective to address them or take stock of their importance.

I guess, the quote from earlier is bouncing around in my head. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, sex is the only thing you can’t get from anyone else but your partner. It’s completely vital, and yet, apparently completely private. Is this a good thing? I can only speak from my own experience when I say I don’t think I’d have found (or more specifically, kept :P) the Boy if sex was something secret between me and my partners. And that idea doesn’t really bear thinking about, for me.

Though I don’t expect everyone to have the same views as I do or conduct their relationships in the same way, I can’t shake the feeling that sex would be less of a problem in relationships if people just… talked about it. Especially those who have happy, functional sex lives.

Challenge the assumption that sex isn’t all that important (how could it be? People never even talk about it!), show that it shouldn’t be an issue in a relationship, that it is possible to have a drama-free sex life… and more people might start feeling that they deserve that. Because everyone does.

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