Resolve

04Jan11

It’s something I don’t have a lot of, resolve. My willpower is widely known to be non-existent, and my motivation *just about* extends to getting myself out of bed every morning. Well, most mornings. I’m a very laid-back person — take each day as I find it, always put off until tomorrow what should really have been done yesterday, that sort of thing.

Of course, this induces monthly bouts of what-am-I-doing-with-my-life panic, interspersed with pangs of guilt over my lack of conventional success. Of course, a stress-filled 9-5 existence is about as close to hell as I can imagine, so why I worry about these things is anyone’s guess. Keeping up appearances, I suppose.

And that’s why I’ve decided to have some resolutions this year. Though for me, they’re more revolutions. I need a life overhaul — but not to help me achieve all those things that are expected of me. I need to overthrow those expectations and find what it is that actually makes ME happy.

Number one: Stop giving a shit about what other people expect of me. Stop fudging around the topic of my career and just tell the truth — I haven’t a blind notion what I want to be doing anymore. And that’s fine by me.

Number two: Number twos, teehee.

Number three: Eat more. Fuck your New Year diets, I could eat a horse… outside. Or something. Truly though, my aim for this year is to shrug off that last shred of fat/food shame and really explore food, and enjoy food. I’ve got one body, and one life. Putting food in it gives me the happies. And the happies are what life is all about. And not only will I be practising body pride, I’m gonna be preaching it. So be warned, dieters and eternal self-critics — you may be on the receiving end of a body-positivity rant some time in 2011.

Number four: Cook more. I’m good at this. I need more practice, but mostly what I need to practice is accepting this as a genuine talent instead of fobbing it off as a pastime, or something anyone could do. My biggest aim here is to have dinner ready for me and the boy most nights of the week. No more takeaways, except on special occasions. As an avowed feminist, “spend more time in the kitchen” seems a bizarre resolution, but I don’t care (see number one).

Number five: Be more submissive. Not in everyday life, you understand — my friends and family would think I’d been abducted by aliens if I were to turn into a shy, retiring violet. But in my relationship, I  need to be more true to the role I’ve asked for. I can’t pick and choose when I want to submit and when I want things my own way. I need to learn to let go of the control, which for a control junkie is no mean feat.  My life and my relationship will be the better for it. There’s a certain peace to be found in handing over the reins, a peace I badly need. So submitting to him — and to the world and its whims — will make for a more peaceful year.

Number six: More sex. Laughable, really, to even include this… of course everyone wants to have more sex! But it so quiets the hustle and bustle in my head that I consider it therapy. I’ll start work on the time machine that will give me the extra few hours a day I need to up the orgasm count ASAP.

Number seven: Learn to use the beautiful camera the boy bought me for my birthday. He said I needed a hobby (one that wasn’t him, chuh) and now I’ve got no excuses. I’ll try not to be shy, I’ll ask for help, and I’ll keep going even though there are hundreds of people out there much better than me. It’s ok to be ok — that’s my mantra for 2011.

Number eight: Stop worrying. Things are ok. I am happy. I have friends. I have the most wonderful boyfriend.  I have a loving family. These things are perfect, and elusive. The rest will come with time.

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