Introduction to Perversion
I read this piece on the Anti-Room today and it made me rather angry. It talks about “punishment” porn becoming mainstream, or at least it purports to. What I saw, though, were a lot of tacit judgements about the people who indulge in the kind of sex portrayed in that type of porn. “disturbed” and “twisted” were two not-so-nice phrases used. And that pissed me off.
What (some) vanilla people don’t understand about kinky sex is that it doesn’t exist on the same plane as regular sex. It’s not really something that you can have with whatever randomer you bring home with you from Coppers of a Wednesday night. Believe me. I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. So here’s my list of things people need to understand about us perverts.
Things You Wouldn’t Realise About Kinky Sex:
1. Trust is key.
You simply can’t get into a heavy spanking scene with a casual hookup. When you’re kinky, the type of sex you crave is the kind you can only have with a friend or a comitted partner. If you don’t know someone, you can’t trust them. And if you can’t trust them, you can’t allow them to tie you up and spank you… because there’s no way to be sure they’ll respect your boundaries.
2. Trust goes both ways.
It’s not just the submissive partner that needs to be able to trust. Imagine being a dominant man in a society that teaches women to be afraid of men. Men are rapists, they are animals, they’re violent. These are the messages. How brave does a man have to be to overcome these messages and come to terms with his inner dominant? Very brave indeed. And how much trust does he have to have in his partner to reveal this to him/her? A lot. Not only that, but he has to be know that his submissive partner knows their own limits. That they’ll say stop when things go too far. That they understand the gravity of what might happen if things go too far. The dominant has all that responsibility heaped on his shoulders. He needs to trust that his submissive understands this.
3. Communication is critical.
With vanilla sex — of which I’ve had a lot — there’s generally not an awful lot of talking or negotiation involved. Everyone knows what to do. Mouth goes here, penis goes here, and there’s a few variations that can be tried out silently and abandoned if the reaction is not good. You’d almost need to go on a communications course to be able to navigate the waters of kink. Every act is negotiable — you have to ensure that your partner enthusiastically consents to whatever you have in mind, because once you’ve hit someone on the ass with a metal ruler you can’t take that back. It’s not like accidental wrong hole. It’s not an innocent exploration of a partner’s body. And this communication starts before sex, and ends after sex.
For me and the boy, we talk about our sex life pretty much all the time. From asking one another if we want to have sex that evening, to what kind of sex, and what specific acts we’d like to do. Is he feeling particularly dominant? Am I feeling particularly submissive? Am I feeling “mindy”? Do I want to be looked after or roughed up? This is all part of the constant conversation between us. I compare this to my previous relationships where everything was implied — a previous partner used to have a specific move he would make that would tell me he wanted to have sex. I would either respond physically or ignore him, in which case he’d stop and we’d go to sleep. There was no communication, at all. That’s not possible for me now, and I’m so, so glad. Sex is at the front of our minds all the time, and that means we have more of it, and the sex we have is better.
4. Compatibility is implied
You know those awful sexual experiences you have when young? Where you sleep with someone you don’t know all that well and it’s just TERRIBLE? Their style doesn’t match yours, it’s awkward and weird and you just want to forget all about it. The above-mentioned communication pretty much eliminates these sorts of encounters. You make sure you’re compatible *before* you get it on, or in my case, you find out serendipitously a few months in.
Of course, the type of porn in the article I linked doesn’t show any of this dynamic. So it’s somewhat understandable that it would be shocking to anyone used to the tacit negotiations involved in vanilla sex. Where nothing is explicit, everything is implied. But the experiences don’t translate. Nobody in any kink scene has ever simply shoved a body part down anyone’s throat. That would be rape, plain and simple. There are more complex negotiations at play before the scene even starts.
Porn doesn’t show this because it’s not part of the fantasy, much like it doesn’t show the amateur couple making breakfast that morning or folding laundry. Porn is fantasy, without the safety blanket. It’s not reality. And those who are scared of the scenes depicted in what’s fast becoming mainstream porn need to understand the reality of kinky sex before they go labelling it as “twisted” or “disturbed”.
Filed under: Uncategorized | 10 Comments