A month without meds

22Jul11

So I got a new job.

This new job is great and I love it, but also I love the fact that it pays me some money. While we were never living in anything approaching poverty, for the past year — in fact, since we got together — money has been tight as a very tight thing for me and the boy.

Of course, money pressure + unemployment + my natural tendency towards anxiety kind of broke my brain. So onto the anti-sad pills it was.

It wasn’t the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But sometime, about a month ago (before my first paycheck hit), we were faced with a money dilemma. We could, y’know, eat, or we could buy my meds.

It wasn’t just the *buying* of them that we couldn’t afford, it was the going-to-the-doctor-for-a-prescription bit as well. So eating won out, and I came off my meds.

It just so happens that the fancy contraception got culled as well in this particular budget cut, so for the first time in about six months I’m not on any sort of mood-altering substances.

And it turns out, I’m a bit better. Able to hold my shit together now. Well, for an extended period of time before losing it, at least. I know I needed the pills at the time, but things seem to have improved to the point where hysterical panic attacks are now a bug and not a feature.

Most interestingly, I feel like myself again. My head is clearer, I can think better. I have more highs, and I don’t have to dig for emotions any more. No more prodding my soul to discern whether that’s happiness or contentment, or maybe just indigestion.

I’m back, baby. And so is my libido. It returned with a bang about a week ago, browsing my brain for porn and wondering why the sex toys are dusty. Tutting that I’ve let the standards slip while it was away.

As for me, I’m only barely speaking to it, really. I mean, it didn’t even send me a postcard while it was gone.

But, not to worry. I foresee a joyous reunion in our near future.

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