Inspiration

23Aug11

Ever-helpful WordPress has started to give prompts to help you blog. Today’s topic: What do you worry about?

Oh WordPress, how little you know me. What do I worry about? What DON’T I worry about.

I am a chronic worrier. You name it, I’ve worried about it. If I haven’t worried about it before, I’ll probably start worrying about it now that you mention it. There’s just one exception to this trait of mine, and it’s somehow my health. I guess enough people do the “worrying” (read: assumptions and judgement) about that for me that I can let it go.

Here’s a list, in descending order of things I worry about. Because I love lists, and hey, maybe this will be cathartic or some shit.

1. Money

Money money money money. I hate money. If money ceased to exist tomorrow I would be so happy. It is the number one source of stress in my life, and I don’t even look after it any more. Sir does all that now (so that I can worry less) and I still worry. I worry that what he thinks is enough for us to live on isn’t actually enough to live on. I worry that even though we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, very little debt and a very nice life; we’re doin it rong. What about savings? How are we ever going to afford, like, stuff? You know, the stuff grown-ups have like houses and cars and shit? And lastly, can we get take-away tonight because we forgot to buy groceries again?

2. Relationships

I love my boyfriend so much that it frequently terrifies me. What. the. fuck. am I going to do if I mess this up? I genuinely don’t know how I would deal with that. I can’t even picture it because my brain doesn’t have the power to imagine something that I think might actually destroy me. That’s the BIG worry, which doesn’t worry me all that frequently. I know Sir loves me, and by god if he’s stuck it out this far I don’t think he’s going anywhere. But that big worry has lots of little worries feeding into it. Tribuworries if you will (hahaha, I crack myself up.) How is our dynamic affecting our relationship long-term? If the dynamic breaks, do we break? Are we being D/s enough right now? Am I not being subby enough? Am I nagging? I hate nagging, so tell me if I’m nagging. I’m nagging you about nagging now, aren’t I? Oh god.

3. Career

See this post in all its whiny glory.

4. Family

If you take the above three aspects of my life, combine their failings, and view them through the eyes of some well-meaning, but ultimately fairly conservative religious country-dwellers — that’s what I worry about with my family. That I am disappointing them on several fronts. I didn’t do things the usual way, or even the right way, and thankfully they have been so supportive of me. But for some reason, though they’ve never expressed any judgement of my life or my choices (apart from constantly hounding me to move home move home movehomemovehomemovehome), I live in perpetual fear of being a massive failure in their eyes. Or rather, I live in fear of them *realising* that I am already a massive failure by conventional measures of success. Aaaaany day now, I’m sure.

5. Depression

This is the one aspect of my health that I give a crap about. It could also be why I don’t set much stock in the omgdeathfat bullshit that flies around my head day in and day out — let me work on getting out of bed in the morning and then we’ll see about eating anything, never mind going for a run and having a healthy snack afterwards. When reaching a basic level of happiness seems so unattainable as to be farcical, when you can’t even really remember what happiness actually really *feels* like anymore, the concept of physical health is irrelevant to the point of absurdity. And while I’m much luckier than some in that when my life is good, I’m good; I fret about the bad days coming. Because I can’t cope with the bad days — for some reason, I’m not built for it. I dread the process of crumbling, of regressing to that dark place where nothing matters to me and the only solution is to take some meds that may help me get up in the morning, but completely inhibit my ability to care.

It’s slightly ironic, then, that one of the things I worry about is losing my ability to worry. No matter what, I’d rather be my anxious, neurotic, slightly demented self than a shadow of it.

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6 Responses to “Inspiration”

  1. I very rarely worry. Except when i get the dreaded ESB bill and there’s three weeks till pay day! haha Money is always the big worry. And unfortunately i can’t keep it in my pockets. Spending money is like a drug, then the bills roll in and i think.. “did i really need to buy three pairs of shoes this month”. The STUPID thing is though… i never learn. I do it every month 🙂 but it’s a challenge scraping the insides of the freezer to see what i can conjure up in the kitchen instead of springing for a take away. (which is better anyway right… bah! gimme chips)

    I used to always worry about my relationship. (in my last one that was) it was a very odd relationship. Never had any specific title. It was a relationship of convenience and sex, and although it suited (kind of) you can’t help but feel, after 7 years of doing it, that there is something to this and you cant help but worry about where the hell it will end up. Now, i dont worry in the slightest about my relationship. Mainly because i know i’ve met my match. My soulmate. And as like you, i would be nothing without him. I try to live for the moment and live by a Carpe Diem life motto. There’s little point looking too far ahead in life for me. I like to enjoy it one day at a time and i tend to find this results is a whole helluva lot less worrying.

    Great post. Come join me in the Carpe Diem thing though. It’ll do wonders for you.

    • I’ve gotten a lot better with money since I got together with D. Mostly because I see what I earn as “our” money (and so does he) and I’d be mortified if we went without something essential because I bought something silly. Handing over control of the money to him helped even more, because I have a warped view of how much we need to live on & am much more liable to think we can afford things when we can’t!

      I do try to live in the moment as much as possible, and mostly succeed — it’s those quiet moments when I’m alone that the worries creep in. Definitely something to work on.

  2. 3 adomis

    If we did not have worries I would think life would be boring. Worries sometimes, while adding shed loads of pressure on you, can also be fantastic. I worry about money 24/7 365 days a year, I am always scraping the coin jar at the end of the month but this month for instance it was not as bad, yes I am broke but not as much as last month and this has given me, possibly in a false way, a great sense of achievement. I know come next week I will worry again but hey thats life.

    I also worry about relationships, but I think everyone does. Again if we did not worry we would not work hard to make it work. If I was to lose my partner now, I dunno what I would do. She is the one when I am stressed and worried about all life offers that gives me the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe that carpe diem stuff actually works and is starting to rub off on me.

    Depression is something I still believe can happen to any of us without us even realising it, thats why I love the communication between myself and my partner, I am abe to open up to her and spout it all out like some sort of therapy. Then I worry that I am being selfish throwing all my bad vibes onto her. Gah theres another worry of mine that I am a selfish fucker.

    As I say we need to worry to keep us in line, its a pain in the arse but fuck it cest la vie.

    • Oh don’t start on sub guilt… I know aaaaaall about that one. D does his very best to take all my worries away from me, but of course then I worry that I’m a burden. It’s a totally insane vicious circle!

      He’s told me now that I need to just let go and let him look after me. And that’s not a request, it’s an order. So that’s what I’m trying to do. We’ll see how long it takes for me to really let go of control!

  3. Well do I know about the worries. I am an inveterate worrier, and being that I AM Sir (actually I’m Daddy, but six of one), I just have to eat them. It’s all the harsher knowing that I am paying upfront for something that I might actually not even owe. It may all turn out just peachy, but I worry anyway.

    But you have a special worry that I have a special familiarity with, which is doubt of your own worthiness. Man, do I know about that one.

    I will tell you that I have read every entry you ever wrote on this blog (I went through the archives), and I, who do not actually know you, and live thousands of miles away, across an ocean, think you are wonderful. I think you have every reason to see someone to be proud to be in the mirror, and I can see that you are a gem, and your Sir is a lucky man.

    None of that stuff will help you, I think, despite the fact that it’s true and sincere.

    Let me tell you something that would help ME if someone said it to me.

    Many years ago, I was talking to a woman I knew from university. She had taken a rather large dose of hallucinogens of some kind, and had returned from a journey, with her spirit guide, in which she overcame many challenges, including her own painful death. And, at the end, the spirits had judged her, and found her adequate. And she was overjoyed, because she had never been adequate in her life.

    I thought this was all rather comical, at the time, but near thirty years of reflection lead me to understand just how marvelous a gift she got that day. I’d love to be found adequate.

    And so, I say to you, based on what I have read, and what I know, you are adequate. You are so much more than that, but let’s not go there. I can tell you are adequate. Believe me. Fear no more. You can be what you like, achieve whatever you achieve, but you don’t have to be even a tiny bit better than you are right this minute.

    And I’m very glad you are here.

    • Thanks for the lovely words Bryce 🙂 Honestly the fact that you went through my archives is the biggest compliment ever! And it’s given me a big grin. So thank you!


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